Communication

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship specialist, is famous for being able to predict if a relationship will succeed or not within minutes of meeting them. He doesn't have some super power or sixth sense. He's just really good at observing how people talk to each other. Communication is key to keeping the relationship alive and eliminating walls between one another. It prevents wars and saves families and friendships. It seems so simple, yet so many people struggle with it.

So, what is it that prevents effective communication? For most people it's insecurity. In life what we all strive for is to be accepted. We don't want to be seen as weak, because if we show our weak side they'll take advantage of it and tear you down. I'm sure these aren't actual thoughts that go through people's minds, but it does happen subconsciously. We all have a natural tendency to want to protect ourselves. Due to this tendency, we don't share our feelings. This is a huge problem because if we want people to treat us right they have to understand how we feel. How do we get ourselves to share our feelings?

It turns out among this desire to not be seen as weak, most have a clashing desire to share their feelings. They give hints and little gestures here expecting people to pick up on it. This is something especially difficult between husbands and wives. Women tend to be able to pick up on non verbal cues a lot better than men, so it can be hard for them to understand why their husband isn't understanding. We have to be straight up with our feelings. We need to actually sit down with the person and explain what's going on.

This can be scary too, because we don't want to offend someone by saying we don't like what the other person is doing. A lot of times offending someone is unavoidable, but we can control our response to the backlash we receive. 

The best way to do this is through something called the disarming technique. The best example I can find of this is from the Book of Mormon. In this example Lehi just sent his sons, by command of God, to get the brass plates, which contained parts of the Bible, from an evil army general. After the departure of his sons, Lehi's wife complained saying "[Lehi] was a visionary man . . . Behold thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness." (1 Nephi 5:2) After these accusations Lehi didn't attack back. He first found the truth in what she said: "I know that I am a visionary man; for if I had not seen the things of God in a vision I should not have known the goodness of God." (1 Nephi 5:4) All accusations span from a small shred of truth, even though it may be blown out of proportions. We need to find the truth in any accusation, bring that forth, and use it to lead into your point. This shows that you actually listen and care about what they say.

This form of repeating what they've said can be implemented in regular conversation as well. Giving recognition to what someone has said opens people up. It shows that they can trust you and they'll even go a little deeper into their own feelings. This requires active listening and practice. The best way I've seen to practice and develop this technique is to pick out an argument and re-live it in your mind, figuring our where to put the disarming technique in.

As we apply these techniques in our lives of being open about our feelings and active listening with the disarming technique, we can grow our relationships with our families and spouse, people will open up to us, and our kids will be more influenced positively by us. This can make huge differences in the world if we're willing to apply it.